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Trump Victory Rant


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On 9/11, the world watched in horror as two American icons were destroyed and thousands of lives were lost to terrorism. On 11/9, the world relived the horror once more as two terrorists posturing as American icons destroyed the hope of millions around the planet.

The 2016 US elections were easy enough: vote for either Elizabeth Bathory or a billionaire version of David Duke. Unsurprisingly, voters chose the bloodletting Countess to lead their country, simply because she was a woman, which didn’t sit well with the Electoral College.

When things didn’t go quite as expected, lickspittles from all corners of the US languished at der Untergang von Führer Clinton, sobbing uncontrollably in a butthurt ceremony of epic proportions and voicing their indignation at everyone but themselves, including the Russians, Julian Assange, the FBI, and anyone not belonging to the Clinton News Network.

Meanwhile, Trump supporters belched USA over Pabst Blue Ribbon and embraced each other in a tender, heartfelt bromance as the man who no one expected to become president, unfortunately, was elected. Everyone from the Klu Klux Klan to Marie LePenn sent their congratulations at the bright prospects of a homeland without melanated human beings.

For the first time since Brexit, people woke up a world where suicides, car accidents and heart attacks were the leading cause of death in a single day. Those that said that lightning never strikes twice have grossly underestimated those living on both sides of the Atlantic, whose inhabitants behave like the world’s tallest weathervane in the middle of hurricane season.

Humanity learned quite a bit that day. It learned that, if you have third-party candidates, use them, because “the lesser of two evils” becomes a dangerous, irreversible consequence of apathy. Jill Stein was a woman, liberal-friendly, smart, and to some, a GMILF. Nevertheless, they chose the corporate wench in the $12,500 Dr. Evil suit to lead the country.

Secondly, indignation is for babies and sore losers. All of that tire burning, slogan chanting, car overturning goodness should have been applied at the start of the elections, and not been wasted on a woman who personally chaperoned and bankrolled al-Qaeda, pulled a Judas on Bernie Sanders, and chose a Pizza-loving Pedobear as her campaign advisor.

America’s perception of democracy is very similar to a malignant tumour’s perception of its role in the human body. Sure, it thinks that it’s promoting jobs and growth, when in reality, it’s ‘growth’ is cutting off the blood supply to the brain. That’s precisely what America’s politically illiterate, counterrevolutionary populace did en masse on Election Day.

So, if your hatred for Trump is sincere, stop pining over Lesley Gore’s “It’s My (Democratic) Party” and man up. Don’t wait until 2020 for change. Learn how to party like it’s 1776 and burn down the bourgeoisie whilst the Great American Fire Sale is hot. Time to make America Great again, one surprising uprising at a time!

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